Banished: Surviving My Years in the Westboro Baptist Church

Banished: Surviving My Years in the Westboro Baptist Church, by Lauren Drain and Lisa Pulitzer

I feel ambivalent about this book, which I finished several days ago. Lauren Drain's family moved to Kansas to join the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) after her father, an atheist libertarian, was making a documentary about the group. He soon become absorbed and went full bore. They were one of the few families who were not part of the Fred Phelps dynasty.

Lauren became an enthusiastic picketer, truly believing that WBC had a straight line to heaven...even though they apparently believe in predestination. A couple of things about the WBC surprised me: they highly value education and encourage all members to pursue careers...even women, although in many other ways, women are treated as second-class citizens. Conversely, the second in command at WBC is Shirley Phelps-Roper, one of Fred Phelps' daughters. Another thing I learned is that WBC pickets and protests not to convert or save people from hell, but only to proclaim what they believe.

Some reviewers have commented that Lauren should have waited a few more years to write her memoir--she comes across as a teenager, even though she's now a young woman. I don't think she would have left the church on her own volition--she seemed to love it too much, even though she was beginning to chafe against the favoritism shown to the Phelps family. She did not leave because she disagreed with the church's teachings. Essentially, she was kicked out because she was asking lots of challenging questions and she was drawn to have relationships with men. The WBC rules forbid any contact with people outside the church, and Drain had only one marital prospect within the church. She says now that she stayed in the church because she couldn't bear to leave her family.

In the epilogue, Drain apologizes to gay people for being so hateful, saying the classic "some of my friends are gay" (can't believe her cowriter actually included this staple of prejudice!). But it didn't feel completely genuine to me...I think I might have felt more convinced had the writing been stronger. When I finished the book, I had the impression that if Lauren's family wanted her back in the church...and she could still have freedom to have a relationship with a man outside the WBC...she would be back in a heartbeat. It just didn't ring true to me. She seemed to get such a high level of enjoyment out of the picketing and didn't seem to realize, even later, the depth of hatred she espoused.

However, when I watched an interview with her, I felt more convinced that she was glad she was out. Drain describes the WBC as like a gang. When you are part of it, you feel a sense of belonging. But if you leave, they pray for your doom and destruction.

Drain was treated horribly by her family and the rest of the church...and she is still scarred from that treatment. She hasn't seen her parents or siblings for 5 years.

I did find it interesting to get inside of the WBC and try to understand their hate and evil...but the book itself could have been better.

Unorthodox

Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots, by Deborah Feldman

Little did I know that I was about to dive into a scandalous book! Feldman must have predicted the type of reaction she would receive when she published her memoir. The Hasidic community has mounted a campaign to discredit her.

Feldman was born into an extremely strict sect of Hasidic Judaism, the Satmar sect, founded on the belief that the Holocaust was God's punishment for the Jews because they had forsaken their strict religious laws. Her father was mentally disabled or retarded (hard to say, because he was never diagnosed for fear of affecting his marriageability), and her mother, who had traveled from England to marry her father sight unseen, escaped the sect when Feldman was a girl. Consequently, Feldman was sent to live with her grandparents, who she is fond of, but she never really felt truly loved and accepted. She constantly chafed against the extremely rigid rules, unfair treatment of women, and rejection of secularism.

Strongly discouraged from reading or speaking English, she delighted in discovering Jane Austen, Louisa May Alcott, and JK Rowling. Hasidic schools for girls emphasize religious instruction over academics, so she felt grossly inadequately educated. When she finally met a teacher who will challenge her (even though she also sounds bordering on verbally abusive!), she was thrilled.

When she was married off at 18 to a man chosen for her by her grandparents, her body completely shut down. After receiving messages all her life that her body was a den of iniquity and temptation to men, she could not have a healthy sexual relationship with her husband. After much therapy (and the entire community knowing intimate details of their sex life), they finally consummated their marriage. When her son Yitzak was born, she knew that she had to get out. She enrolled in a course for adult learners at Sarah Lawrence and her world cracked open.

I really enjoyed this book, and Feldman is an inspiration. I cannot imagine what it would feel like to be trapped in a religion that believes that you are dirty for half of the month...and that you cannot partake in the same religious studies and community as men. (I loved the movie "Yentl" for similar reasons.) Or one in which your worth is determined by the age at which you get married, who you marry, if you secretly attend the mikvah (women do not discuss the mikvah with their husbands), and whether you wear a wig instead of your natural hair.

As I mentioned, the Satmar and other ultra-Orthodox Jewish sects are waging war on this book and Feldman herself (this pro-Orthodox Facebook group has been urging people to write one-star reviews). Just look it up on amazon and you'll see what I mean. What is most fascinating about this campaign are the petty accusations they are leveling at her:

• They claim she didn't accurately describe her mother's life and when she got divorced.
• They point out the existence of Feldman's younger sister and claim the whole book is a lie because she left her out. (Feldman says she chose to leave her out because she is a minor.)
• Clearly without reading the book, they say that she fabricated a story about a woman's murder (??) and that she said her mother abused her. There's nothing like this in the book.
• Feldman attended a strict Satmar school, but they say that she didn't admit it was not her first school. This is not true. She did say that she moved to a new school, but she doesn't say a lot about her former school. How is this important??
• Feldman tells a story about a Hasidic man who cuts off his son's penis after he saw him masturbating. She acknowledges that she doesn't know this for a fact, but it is what she hears (through her husband and his brother). The crime is not reported. This enrages the haters, because they say it's blood libel. Feldman admits that she was reporting the facts third hand. Still, it's concerning...that as well as another rumor she heard about a man who sexually abused minors, and the crime was covered up and not reported to the authorities!
• Some Hasidic women say she doesn't portray the life of Hasids accurately...and "I'm a Chassidic woman who runs her business and employs 30 people" or they say that she is attacking a religion that treats women with respect. Hmm...
• They claim that she has attacked her grandparents and has been ungrateful. (I did not see any of this. She writes fondly of her grandparents.)
• They say that all of her problems were due to growing up in a dysfunctional family.

These are just a few of the examples I've seen as "evidence" that Feldman fabricated the whole book. As Jesse Kornbluth writes in The Huffington Post, the haters are completely missing the point of the book.

What's fascinating to me in all this is that the Satmars only want to engage on the smallest points:, like where Feldman went to school and the technicalities of her mother's divorce, I've received not a word of protest about the conclusion of my review, which was, I thought, the most damning:
The real issue is sex. Not the act, but what it signifies --- male control of women. That old story. We see it in far too many places; dehumanizing women is a key component of fundamentalist cults, from hardcore Muslims to certain Republicans.

Men who oppress women --- they say they love them, but it seems more like they fear and hate them --- haven't been taught that sex is our reward for making it through the day. Like their women, these men have been sold the idea that sex is just for procreation. No wonder they feel like they're the ones who are oppressed.

There are claims in this book that Hasids have disputed. I can't tell what's true. But I'm sure of one thing: Men who can't live equally with women aren't worth living with.
Why didn't the Satmars take me on about the blatant sexism that oppresses both women and men in their community? I can only conclude this: It's a problem for Deborah Feldman --- not for them.

Feldman also spoke of her disenchantment with the Satmars, not just for the way they treat women, but also the way they fight for power. Her grandfather told her that in Europe, no one would have dreamed of fighting to be called a rabbi. (They actually turned down the position because of their humility.) But Feldman's Satmar community was divided in half--each half supported one of the Satmar rebbe's sons for succession. And it was a bitter battle. When she first met her prospective husband, she's unsure of whether she can even consider the match because she's concerned his family supports the other son.

When it's discovered that the wigs worn by the Hasidic women have actually been made with human hair from India (from women who worship other gods), the rabbis claimed that it's the work of the devil, a punishment for the "promiscuity of their women." (Yes, it's all the women's fault. Always. See above...a religion that treats women with respect?)

 Feldman wrote of her harrowing and humiliating first exposure to the Mikvah, the ritual bath house every woman must visit (and be inspected) before her husband can touch her. For 14 days after her period, she had to touch herself with white cloths twice a day to make sure she was not bleeding, for fear of "contaminating" her holy husband. That's right, women are filthy dirty. She also had a very difficult time bonding with her family members and her son because of the rigid rules and her anxiety about breaking them. It was only when she finally left with her son that she was able to develop a close relationship with him.

I remember learning about the ultra-Orthodox morning prayer men say, "Thank God I was not born a woman." Well, it's easy to understand why Feldman left such a stifling, misogynistic community.

Although Feldman's memoir is not perfect (many characters and events seem to be given short shrift), it's her story...and it's told from her perspective. She writes about the things that mattered most to her. Her mother and father were not significant influences in her life, so they are largely absent. Now that she's left, she has a relationship with her mother. I found this book to be very inspirational, and one that I will hold in my heart for a long time.

Judaism, as with many religions, can be beautiful. But when religion is taken to its extreme (in Christianity, Islam, or Judaism), it perverts it to a love of the law over a love and compassion for others and for God.

The 19th Wife: Perfect combination of historical fiction and a modern-day mystery

My rating: 4 out of 5 stars

I truly enjoyed this novel, which combined the tales of two people who fled polygamy. As a historical fiction fan, I especially liked reading those parts of the book.

Ann Eliza Young became the "19th wife" of Brigham Young when she was a 24-year-old divorcee and he was 67. Instead of #19, she was probably #52 (polygamists don't keep very specific records of their wives). She left Young and become an "apostate," fleeing Utah to lecture against polygamy in the late 19th century. I had never heard of her before I began to read this book. She also published an autobiography, The 19th Wife, and faced scorn and hatred from the LDS church. Ebershoff rewrites Young's story by including sections of The 19th Wife (which he has rewritten--the original was long, overly wordy, and extremely biased) and also featuring excerpts from people's diaries and other accounts. Although based in reality, this is historical FICTION at its best. (Many LDS members have taken issue with Ebershoff recounting of Ann Eliza's story as well as the way he presented Brigham Young's egotism and cruelty.) Judging from her own words and the recount of her estranged son, Ann Eliza was not a saint, but she was a victim.

Interspersed with Ann Eliza Young's story is a murder mystery set in modern-day Utah. Jordan Scott, who was thrown out of his fundamentalist LDS sect years before, tries to get to the bottom of a mystery: his mom has been accused of murdering his dad. Jordan also happens to be gay. He leaves his home in California to return to Utah, where he hopes to get to the truth. Jordan has been deeply damaged by his childhood in a polygamist family and community.

I believe that modern-day Mormons are presented in an objective light in this book, even though many reviewers disagree with this. Young BYU history scholar Kelly Dee, whose ancestor is Ann Eliza Young, is attempting to research Ann Eliza's story. She volunteers at the Ann Eliza Young House, a refuge for children trying to escape from polygamist communities. Maureen works for Jordan's mother's lawyer, and she goes out of her way to help Jordan. Jordan and his new boyfriend, Tom, visit a church in Las Vegas that reaches out to gay Mormons.

Reading this book, I was struck by the strange juxtaposition of polygamy with the uptight views about sexuality in the LDS church. Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, and other prominent LDS pioneers used polygamy to justify their lust and lasciviousness in the name of their faith. They were sexual predators of very young girls who were too young to get married. When they were questioned about polygamy or when women tried to challenge this practice, they were told that their faith was weak. As we all know, polygamy continues today in fundamentalist LDS sects. What was most interesting about this book was the overlaps between early Mormonism and fundamentalist Mormonism today.

At the same time, Mormons wear sacred underwear and Brigham Young taught that a woman must never reveal her sacred underwear to a man, even her husband. I believe this has changed since Brigham Young's time, but the foundations remain (pardon the pun!). I had a former Mormon coworker who told me that he has never seen his wife naked. Seriously. They had three children and had been married all their adult lives. Another oddity is that until 2005, a secret temple ceremony involved naked touching (annointing of the body) (if this ex-Mormon Web site is to be believed).

The weakest part of the book was the modern-day Jordan story. Some of it I enjoyed, but some of it could have been tightened up. Some of the characterization I found to be a bit stereotypical (the gay young man with the dog...and his friend back home who calls him honey), and other times I felt it just brushed the surface on the many modern-day characters. One thing Ebershoff clearly wanted to emphasize is the collateral damage that polygamy does to its children.

As I was reading this book around the time when we watched "Elizabeth" and I found myself frustrated with its many historical inaccuracies, I've concluded that I like intepretations of history...the filling in the blanks, so to speak...instead of rewriting history. I might be able to handle rewriting history if I know that's what it is. Ebershoff makes it very clear that he is filling in the blanks and his novel is based on history, but it's not historical fact...a point that many of his LDS critics seem to disregard.

Ebershoff ends his book with an explanation of what was true and what was imagined, in addition to his thoughts on history. He believes it is subjective and invites interpretation. You can read his interesting thoughts on history and fiction on his Web site, which also has more information on Ann Eliza Young (including a PDF of her original memoir) and some resources about polygamy, the LDS church, and gay Mormons.

Born Again: Coming of age in a fundamentalist family

Born Again by Kelly Kerney

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


Interesting coming-of-age story about a young daughter in a fundamentalist family, trying to reconcile her Christian born-again faith with reading Darwin.


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The Abstinence Teacher: Secrets and lies in suburban America

The Abstinence Teacher by Tom Perrotta

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

In the spirit of Little Children, this book explores the secrets and lies hidden in suburban America. A sex ed teacher is forced to teach an abstinence curriculum to her charges, and a troubled former drug addict turned soccer coach has turned to fundamentalist religion to help him battle his demons. Perrota does a fine job of creating multidimensional characters who are struggling with their past and what they have made of their present lives. He also examines the conservative Christian right in what I believe is an objective and gentle manner (although others might disagree).



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